To Make Marriage work, you need more than Money! – Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo


-Pastor Kingsley Okonkwo at Recharge
Conference 2021, Global Impact Church

What should I do as a single person?
There is one key word you need to know as a single person, that word is ‘VALUE’. You want to attract the right spouse – value. Are you the kind of person you are praying for, he is also praying for? Are you the kind of person you are looking for, he is also looking for?

You know, everybody write their own preference, I want to marry tall, dark, handsome.

I want to work in oil and gas, they way you are writing the companies you want, the companies you want too are writing the qualifications of the person they too want to employ.

The way life works, untill your dream and my dream meet together, we will never meet up. Life is not run by sentiment.

That is why your uncle can be very close to you and you are begging him for one naira and he won’t give you and somebody else that is doing something else important to him will not even beg him for money, he will be chasing that person with money because life is about purpose and not about sentiment.

There is money everywhere just that you are not yet giving enough value. Those people that have value, too much money is coming and they don’t know what to do with it. So keyword for you, VALUE. Add value to yourself and people will want you.

Second thing still under value, add value to your community. Number one, add value to yourself, number two, add value to your community. Church Gist. This means, wherever you find yourself, be a value giver. You are either the problem or the solution.

Anywhere you are, make sure you are always the solution. Everybody recognizes the person solving the problem, so give value everywhere you are.

If you are in a church like this, make sure you are active. You are in a cell group or in a department, make sure you are active. You work in your office, you’ll be among those that volunteer for things, be among those that take up responsibility. Don’t run from responsibility.

A lot of the women in Scriptures were adding value. Rebecca found her husband, giving water to a man that is not even eligible, he was an old servant that had ten camels, that is a problem. Camels drink a lot of water but the man said, which ever woman I meet by the well, fetching water and decides to give me water and give my camels water is the one we will marry and that woman, not even desiring to marry the man, just being kind and adding value, she gave the man water and the ten camels water and they married her.

Same thing with Ruth and Naomi, Ruth was adding value, the other wife left but Ruth decided to stay, to serve and add value. So value on yourself and value around you. Join department, join charity organizations, look for ways to add value to your community, somebody will see you there and you are likely to meet more like-minded people when you are adding value.

Add value to yourself. What are your hobbies, what are your interests?

Join a gym, look for anything you are interested in.

There are even online platforms where people that are of like minds can relate over issues, I am not talking about dating sites, I mean over issues, over topics, you are going to meet like-minded people there.

I am not against dating sites but anywhere people are gathered just for the purpose of marriage, you will meet all kinds of people there and people there know that there are desperate people there and they will play on that desperation. Predators know where to find prey.

So let’s go to unforgettable. Today we are learning from two people that were in their second marriages. Sometimes something good can come out of bad experience. It is not what you have been through but how you relate with what you have been through.

1 Samuel chapter 25
I will give you the gist and then I will pick up the points because it is a long reading. Most of you know the story. So what are the points, I will start with women.

1. (1 Samuel 25:17-18)
First point for women here, be a helper. Abigail was a helper. They were coming to kill her whole house, they were coming to kill Nabal’s whole family, she heard it and she acted quickly.

Listen, as a woman, you are a helper. In the first place when they created woman, it was to help. Not to look pretty but to help. Very important, Adam never prayed for a wife, it was God that said this man will not do well on his own, I will make for him a helper.

She moved quickly and helped. Men always have blind spots. Men are very focus-driven, men are not like women. Women have a way of multitasking, men are generally only one directional. Don’t be afraid to be helper.

Men will need you before they love you. It is women that love first before they need you. For men, love is a transaction, not an emotion. For women, love is an emotion before transaction.

2. She was homely, verse 18. Women listen , men always need domestic assistance. Men can be domestic terrorist by scattering the house. Women, God has gifted you with the ability to manage the home.

You are gifted for it, don’t let the society push you too far from it. Don’t try to be men, you are better than men because what the devil is trying to do is that he is telling you, you are equal with men. Don’t try to be equal with men, you are demoting yourself with feminism.

Listen, scientifically and statistically, they found out, even in the civilized world that we are trying to copy, that a lot of the women that have higher achievement in their careers, her major regret is always that I am not spending time with my children. God did not only physically equipped you for children, He also emotionally equipped you for it.

This is why women can never get tired of children.

3. (1 Samuel 25:19, 36). The next point, she has discretion. It is not everytime you discuss issues. If you are dealing with men, timing is very important. Men are not like you. Women talk and think at the same time, men don’t talk and think at the same time. Men need time to think. Understanding the power of timing.

4. (1 Samuel 25:23-24). Women, you need to realise that men like respect. In my years of counselling, the number one complain of all men is; she doesn’t respect me. Men equate all problem in their marriage to disrespect.

In Ephesians 5, God gave women expo about men. He said respect him and submit to him.

5. (1 Samuel 25:26). Abigail appeal to his logic and not to his emotions. If you are negotiating with men, don’t appeal to their emotions, appeal to their logic.

Ladies, stop treating men like women. Don’t always share it the way it is doing you, repackage it the way it will appeal to him. Abigail spoke to him in a language he would understand.

6. She knew his vision. When she met David, she was telling David about God’s plan for his life. Listen ladies whether single or married, if you are relating with any man , talk about his future, talk about his life, talk about what God is doing in his life.

7. Pray for him. Abigail prayed for David, verse 30. Instead of fighting your husband, pray for him.

Ask him what are your dreams and let him know that you are praying about the dream. Men are selfish, they will be excited that somebody is praying for them.

8. Don’t ignore his friends, verse 27. The friends are the board of trustees. When he is about to make any decisions, whether good or bad, his friends must vote. Pray about his friends, pray about the people that surround him.

You will know a man by the quality of people around him. Make sure he has good and godly friends that will inspire him and you too, make sure you know those friends and you respect those friends.

9. Learn the art of subtle marketing, verse 31. Some women you are too serious, they’ve not close church, you have left. Surely goodness and mercy, you are already in y our car. Hang around, let people see you. Don’t be desperate but be available.

Unforgettable man, quickly let me jump to the men. Verse 7 and 8, then verse 16 for the men.
a) David was industrious. He did not have a job but he find work. If you are man here, listen, providing is part of the responsibilities you have. As a man, you must take care of your home.

This life is hard on men, you can’t be lazy as a man. You must be industrious. If they don’t give you a job, find work, find where you can add value.

There is something you have that you are not using, go and use it to make money.

b) Verse 12 and 13, David was a leader. He has leadership skills because he had men with him. He was controlling men. You don’t have money but can you control your marriage.

Leadership is not title, it is service. It is not authority, it is responsibility. Women like security, women don’t like money, what they like is security. It is just that money provides security.

c) Verse 28, living for God. David was fighting the Lord’s battle. Living for God involves serving God and living a holy life. Women like men that are spiritually sound. If you want to be an unforgettable man, be spiritually sound because women find security in spirituality. It doesn’t cause money to be spiritual, read your Bible and pray everyday and you will understand spiritual things.

d) Find divine purpose and divine prophecy, verse 30. Listen to me child of God, you might not have all the money but do you have the mandate from God?

Women are believers, give them something to believe. Women like men that have divine prophecy over their lives.

e) You must have knowledge, verse 32 and 34. He was able to look out for the qualities in a woman.

f) A man that listen to his wife, verse 17, 24, 32, 34. Infact, that was the major difference between Nabal and David. If you are man here, do you listen to your wife or your woman when she gives you advice.

Women have a different perspective all the time. They have the capacity to see from a different angle.

You cheat yourself when you don’t listen to your wife. For many years, I was in financial wreck. When I come again, I will talk about some of these things. In my house, I was the spender, my wife was the saver.

There is a reason God balances two people like that. We will talk about this next time but listen to your wife if you are a man. Headship in marriage is not about making all the decisions, it is about carrying all the team along.

g) Pursue your wife or your woman. Women always like to be pursued (Verse 30). Don’t stop pursuing her because she has agreed, women like to be pursued.

Even when you get home, pursue your wife, to the kitchen, to the bathroom, pursue her. Money is not all that matters so if you think money is all what you need to make your marriage work, you are joking.

My wife is in Abuja, she went to do something in Abuja. I couldn’t go because I have to preach on Sunday but you know what I did after service on Sunday?

I did not go home, I entered plane, she didn’t know because you must always surprise your wife. The R in that my A-Z, R for men is respect, R for women is romance.

Always pursue your wife. Me and her were talking ooo but immediately I finished the third service, my guys took me to the airport. It is still this same Nigeria, entered plane and landed in Abuja, just appeared in her room. She said, ha, she was happy. This is after 16 or 18 years in marriage, I am still pursuing her. Hallelujah.

What do you come for, just to see your face because I can’t imagine not seeing your face for ten whole days, just to see your face. I came on Sunday, Tuesday, I was back in Lagos.

This Sunday again after service, I will pursue her. How can you not call your wife for a whole day. If you are not calling her, who are you calling, if you are not texting her, who are you texting? Glory to God.

Give the Lord a big hand.


Father I thank You.

Thank You for this great conference.

Thank You for the marriages and relationships here. Thank You because nobody here will miss it and our marriages are recharged, they are re-fired in the name of Jesus.

For those trusting You for the right partner, I decree that their steps will be ordered. This year will not pass them by in the mighty name of Jesus. Thank You heavenly Father, in Jesus mighty name.


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